Paint Your Reality

x0-amandaaa:

My friend made the cutest graduation cap ever!

x0-amandaaa:

My friend made the cutest graduation cap ever!

(Source: amandakatherinexo, via bows-and-pointed-toess)

Feeling Disconnected

My boyfriend and I are going on 3 months being apart since he left for AIT, and I’m bawling my eyes out because I’m starting to feel disconnected to him. I feel like our lives are growing farther apart. We were only together a month when he left, and we’ve spent way more time apart than together. I’m starting to forget what it felt like to have him around. My heart is breaking. I know we love each other and we will get through this, but I’m just so scared that by the time we see each other again (which sounds like at least another month or two away), we won’t feel as connected as I expect. 

Its like I want to put my life on hold for him because I want to wait for him so we can start the rest of our lives together. Its like I’m waiting for him to start the race with me…but doing that only makes me feel unproductive and lazy and dependent on him. But if I don’t wait for him to start my future, then I am scared that when we do want to be together again, I will either have to start over with my plans or change them. I don’t want to get too deep into anything alone. But I don’t want to wait around and miss him all day either. I don’t know what to do. 

Then there’s his life, which I feel like I’m not even a part of. I know he’s got pictures of us in his room, and that he says I love you every day but thats the only involvement I feel like I have in his life. Everything else he goes through, he goes through alone. How are we supposed to connect if we have no idea what each others lives are like? I try to talk to him, and ask him about his day but he always just seems tired or uninterested. 

I’m getting tired of trying so hard to feel connected to my boyfriend. But I love him so much. I just wish I could fast forward 2 months and just be with him to make decisions and build our relationship but I can’t. So meanwhile I’m just sitting here crying, trying to keep myself busy but not too involved in anything. I miss him desperately. I need him and I want him so badly, but I’m afraid that one day I won’t. I’ll be so used to being alone all the time that I won’t want to keep holding on to something so distant. And then I cry more. I just need to pass the time and keep my head up, I know he loves me and I love him. Any suggestions or support would help…thanks.